Getting BIG

You are now 32 weeks old and you are so enjoying your home in my belly. The midwife said you're still head-down and your back is on my right side. I am feeling kicks from you from right under my chestbone. You are long! Sometimes I feel both your arms and your legs stretch out at the same time and it is such a trip to see how much you've grown!

I have been obsessed with TLC's "A Baby Story". That show is addicting to say the least. When all I can think about is how I will deal with labor, I marvel at how other women do it in front of the camera on that show. I oftentimes wonder whether they get some sort of money deal for taping it. Free crib maybe. I don't think I would want a stranger-camera-man taping me while spread-eagle in pain. Then again, maybe there are Doula-camera-women I can tolerate.

Your father insists my brain works at only 20% capacity half the time. It is really bizarre. He tells me of conversations that I swear have never happened. I don't remember looking up Hawaii airfares a month ago. I don't remember when he tells me he's going to stay in for work the next day. I think I'm losing it.

Speaking of losing it, my midwife thinks I could be depressed. Truth of the matter is, last week was the second consecutive week that I did not have any time to myself at all. Things have been busy at work and I have been extending my hours; and your Grandmas were visiting from Cape Cod. All this commotion, paired with the discomfort of having gained 24 lbs, I really was near to tears when I had my midwife appointment.

No one really understands how uncomfortable it is to wear maternity pants that once draped you like a toga and is now snug and constricting your bladder. Just try to picture this: your boobs have grown double in size and quadruple in weight, it's dragging down on you and making your upper back hurt, your stomach is stretching to beyond it's capacity and you have absolutely no more room in there for anything extra. Gas, pee, poop all has to leave as soon as they come to make room for a baby. Heartburn and bloating is a regular occurence. And people still expect me to act like normal and keep up with daily life? Bend over to feed the dog? Ya I don't think I've done that in months. More like collapse my knees on the floor and pray I can hoist myself up again.

No I'm not depressed. Just whiney and achy. I have never been one to act entitled. But what I really want more than anything in life right now is to be treated like a princess. Your dad has been trying, but like I said, I don't usually go around acting like I'm entitled so I don't think he's used to the 'attitude'.

Whining aside, I have been happy and content. Your dad gave me rainboots for Christmas and this nice millet-filled hippy pillow from the Saturday market. That, and I know I have 4 more massages lined up in a spa package that I just bought for myself. Not to mention we have about 90% of what we need for your arrival already. I have a prenatal yago video sitting on my desk waiting for me to try out this Wednesday. And we have a preliminary visit to the hospital lined up for this Saturday. So we're locked and loaded, baby. We are definitely getting ready to see you and receive you with flannel-lined arms.

Mama Bear

Today I went out for a walk around Nobles Wood park near our house. It was raining and muggy, typical Oregonian winter, but I had just bought a nifty Columbia rain jacket and I wanted to sport my new Oregonian-esque attire.

So there I was, chillin and strollin with my IPOD in blasting Red Hot Chili Peppers, and I hear this YAPYAPYAPYAPYAP. I look around and I can't see what's making that noise, so I ignore it and walk a little further. Then around the corner I see this 10 pound chihuahua bearing its teeth and running after me GRRYAPYAPYAPYAPYAPGRRRR. That thing looked fierce. My first instinct was flight.

So flight I did, for all I could think about was the searing hot pain of sharp chihuahua teeth sinking down into my achilles. Coincidentally, it must have been the adrenaline, but you kicked me so hard in the belly it felt like you were running away from the dog too. I must have ran about 100 feet but I heard the dog gaining up on me. I'm pregnant, belly about the size of watermelon, I can't possibly outrun this monster. Somewhere in my mind I remember how much dogs love to chase and rethought my strategy. So I turned around and gave it the meanest loudest teeth-baring growl ever. "ROOOOOOOWWWWWRRRRRR! You fucking dog!! You want to fight? I'll fucking punt you!" The shitdog jumped and turned around, ran about 5 feet away from me, then stayed in its spot yapyapyapping.

Finally the owner, an old Chinese man, comes walking towards us after his dog. "Whadda da matter? Is so little! Is so little can't hurt you!" (Factoid: number 1 most dangerous dog in the country: the chihuahua. Those things are mean and can tear your face up so bad you'd forever cry just looking at your reflection.) OK freak-out time.

Mama Bear: "I AM PREGNANT! I AM WITH CHILD. IF THAT DOG DID ANY HARM TO ME YOU ARE DOING HARM TO MY UNBORN BABY. YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO GET A HOLD OF YOUR DOG, FOR IF I FELL OR GOT HURT FROM YOUR STUPID DOG, TRUST .... TRUST! ..... THAT I WILL COME AFTER YOU. YOU !"

The old man looked at my stomach and looked down. "Sorry, sorry." That's right. Alice vs. Old Chinese Man. One to Nothing.

See, to understand the weight of what happened, your mother doesn't usually lose her temper on people she doesn't know. (It's usually on Dad) I hardly ever raise my voice to people, and never ever old people. Even when I do, it's usually pretty mild, but only after I've reached my boiling point. But this time, you and your well-being was involved. And I will gladly turn into a psycho maniac if it means that nothing and no one will harm my child. Even a 10 pound useless chihuahua. I have carried you for almost 7 months now, caring for you like a precious egg, and NOTHING will get in the way of me smelling your baby hair and watching you grow up.

I know, I know, you're probably reading this and thinking, Man, Mom cusses a lot. I told you I'm not perfect. But you're also probably thinking, Jesus calm down it's just a chihuahua. To tell you the truth, I didn't care what it was, a chihuahua or a 1/2 ton Brown Bear from Alaska, I would still have stood there and and fought that thing (and that old man) with everything I've got. After running away first. Just a little.

So this is a warning to anyone who crosses my path: you better watch your step, give us some room, or I will CUT YOU.

Your First Birth Celebration

I know this is not your first birthday, as you are not even born yet, but I want you to know how special you are to have such a huge and supportive group of Aunties, excitedly waiting with bated breath for your arrival.

Your dad and I travelled to Southern California to visit friends and family this week. Our first stop was at your Aunty Denise's house where she and Aunt Susmitha hosted a fun-filled baby shower for you. There were baby animal decorations, even a large pink cake, lots and lots of balloons, and lots of fun activities. My favorite was eating baby food and guessing what ungodly-tasting product unnamed baby jars contained. It smelled absolutely disgusting. Like baby upchuck. Dad and I will do our best to puree some fresh adult food for you instead of resorting to those expensive jars of cat vomit. One of them was actually flavored chicken noodle soup. I think the real thing would have been more humane than a regurgitated bottled version of it. Your aunt Julie has already made some good suggestions on how to make regular food into mush that you can taste and digest. Although I'm not sure whether we would have the patience to peel and slice 20 grapes, we will try our best.

You received a ton of presents so far - a lot of pink clothes and a lot of cute socks. Aunt Julie (Cox) got you your first outfit, and Aunt Susmitha and Denise got you your state-of-the-art baby monitor. Trust that dad will probably still use that baby monitor to listen on you even after you're done being a baby. He's already pretty protective of you, so I can only guess that it will get worse from here. (I'll have to show you some sneaky ways around him later *wink*) The biggest surprise was a box full of books that Meemaw and Maura sent you via Aunt Sus. I am so looking forward to reading to you my little one. Aunt Maria got you a playmat (which also serves as our entertainment too ... boy, toys these days are really quite cool), aunt Stephanie got you a playpen, and Grandma Mary got me a device to milk myself with.

We saw all of your dad's friends and drinking/pool buddies. It looks like they're very well headed to where your mom and dad are right now. Sure enough, soon you'll have a new set of baby friends though with more Idahoan accents. Don't worry, you're the oldest so you can always kick their butts.

During the trip I also managed to catch a cold from your father. After 10 days of being completely symptom-free, I was feeling over-confident and indestructible. Now you have to hear us blowing our noses in the middle of the night and random coughing fits. I hope you're not feeling any different in there, just maybe a little noisier.

Well that's enough from me for now. My sinuses are congested and my head feels heavy and dizzy. All in all, this was one of the best and relaxing trips we've had in California. Your mother is so lucky and blessed to have such loving and supportive friends to see her through this pregnancy. I don't know what I did to deserve all of their love, but I sure as hell will always be there to reciprocate. Sleep tight, I will be reading you Goodnight Moon very soon.

We see you for the first time, Ava (sorry this one is a sappy one)

Dear Ava,

We finally had the big ultrasound to see you yesterday. Words cannot describe how happy and emotional I am to know that you are there and what an amazing life there is ahead of you.

I almost cried watching you in that dark ultrasound room - your little feet and your little hands and your (rather big) face. Our daughter! Your father was at the foot of the bed watching everything unfold, trying his best to stay out of the way and trying to hold it all in. He was so ecstatic, he was beaming so much he almost lit up the room brighter than the technician's monitor. How worried I was, making deals with God everytime I couldn't see something clearly, 'OK maybe she won't have hands but please just give her feet and a strong spine'. But there you were, everything intact - 5 fingers on each hand, 5 toes on each foot, big head. You were amazing - you tossed and turned and put your hand on your forehead like you were exhausted, 'Oy Vey!' And you yawned! We watched your little mouth gape wide and then close to pure sleepiness. And when the technician said, "Yep most DEFINITELY a girl" I just knew it. I don't know why or how but I just knew you'd be a girl. The tech approximated you at 14 ounces, due date 2/10/11.

Well now that we know everything is pretty much on par for the course, just stay in there and keep growing and eating. You have a huge life ahead of you - full of games, friends, learning, crushes, boys. It will be so much fun. But don't come out until February, so you can get as fat as you can off of my food. Breastmilk and baby food isn't as tasty as the food I'm stuffing myself with, so enjoy it as much as you can.

P.S. I want to take this time to beg for your forgiveness. Your parents aren't perfect. We have our 'times' when we're not very exemplary. A cuss word will slip out here and then, and we might do things out of frustration. There was a really loud snorer sitting next to your dad in the movie theater last night and he never failed to snort in every poignant part of the film, so your mother threw a hard candy at his face. I instantly felt bad, not for the snorer because the trick worked, but more for being a bad example for you. Anyways, I hope we won't ruin you too much. Always remember to find the humor in every part of life, but don't hurt anyone.

P.P.S. Washington beat USC today. I cussed a lot, I hope you didn't hear all of it, but I think you did.

Kicks, spins, appetite and a whole lot of absent-mindedness

It has been a long time since my last blog! What have I been up to? I seriously have no idea. In the past few weeks I feel like I have been in this super thick mental fog. It's not that I can't perform high-level (or even medium-level) cognitive thinking, it's just that I spend most of my time spacing out and thinking about absolutely nothing.

Now, for those of you who have known me for a while, I'm famously known for my ability to space out on cue. It's my way of decompressing when there is nothing going on (like in staff meetings). However lately I have found myself in this space-out mode even in busy times. My coworkers have labeled me as "The Confused One" and "Preggy". My habits are similar to that of a squirrel - forrage frantically for food, then space out staring at some inanimate object, then furiously gorging at whatever I have found. I am not all that happy about my mental capacity. My memory has deteriorated to a similar expanse of a goldfish - 3 seconds. In one ear, then out the other. Most often I am perfectly content in my stupefied disposition, but other times I am plain frustrated at my inability to recall and think. When I first heard of "Mommy fog" I considered it as a cheap excuse for being an airhead (sorry Sis). But now, I seriously give the symptom true recognition. I think it should be scientifically and medically studied. (That being said, your Aunt Julie is still an airhead sometimes : P )

What else has been going on? Lots of kicks. Lots of punches. Spins, rolls, shifts, and occasionally a feeling of something biting me on the inside - although I think this last feeling comes from what my midwife calls "loosening of the womb ligaments". Yeah it sounds painful, and it is.

The first kick I felt was a week after the last midwife visit. I was amazed from the Doppler that you were creating so many kicks and punches and yet I was unable to feel any of it. So one day I lied down on a treatment table at work and just kept very very still and silent. Sure enough, I felt something akin to a bubble popping underneath my belly skin. It almost felt like a fingertap. Ever since then, the taps have grown in intensity and frequency. They've evolved into rolls and kicks and now after 3 weeks I can feel EXACTLY where you are! Of course I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is your head or your rump, but I definitely know where the 'protrusion' is. You are the most active after dinner, especially when I'm relaxed and sitting down watching TV. You are the most silent when you are rocked to sleep by my constant activity at work, or when I'm exercising.

Your dad first felt your movements last night. All month long he's been so skeptic of me - thinking I'm making things up and acting all crazy claiming I know you so well. Did we disprove him! I put his hand on the bottom of my belly where you are the most active, turned off the TV and sat quietly for you to make your debut. Kick, KICK, then roll and PUNCH. Your dad was amazed. "Wow there really is something in there!" No, Scott, I have just really let myself go since the wedding - ate myself into stopping my period, and grew a Santa Claus belly from sour straws and cottage cheese. I think your dad now REALLY knows you're coming.

Next Friday we will find out whether you're a girl or a boy! But I think we know the answer to that question....!

3rd Midwife visit - timeline 17 weeks and 1 day

Oh gosh that must have been the most happiest visit I have ever had. Not only did she find your heartbeart so fast but you were kicking so much!!! She said it was hard to catch you and keep the doppler receiver on you because you were rolling around everywhere and doing flips. I could not feel a single thing. Sometimes I feel gurgling and "bubbles" when I'm lying on my side but I think it's just gas, I could be wrong though. We took your heart beat at 140 bpm with a LOT of intermittent muffled jolting noises that were your kicks/arm thrusts. What an active baby! She said it was a good sign. So far all signs point to normal - I've gained 5.5lbs and to me, that's on the low side but our midwife assures me that I'm right on track and should be gaining 1 lb a week. Next visit will be on Oct. 1st - the Big Reveal!!!

breastfeeding

Haha, a patient of mine just said that breastfeeding is like having a vice clamp down on your nipples. (Something tells me I won't be laughing when the time comes...)

Surprisingly, not many people can exactly recount what labor feels like. A lot of people just remember that it was agonizingly painful, but they can't seem to remember precise descriptions. I guess this is Nature's way of ensuring we have more children.

Feeling (and dressing) like a Mommy

First things first, this blog is mostly for new moms-to-be. A while back, most of my girlfriends asked for me to record my experiences as a new mom so they can come back and read tips and tricks for when their times comes (so far your mother has been the first to step into the unknown amongst her group of wingwomen). But before most of you skip over this section and think 'Oh I'll read this part in a couple of years', I do want to announce a couple of new news: I have now registered for your baby presents. (For those of you wondering, it's at http://www.babysrus.com/ and look for my name - Alice Holland)

I really honestly didn't want to set it up so soon. After all, it has only been 17 weeks. Some would say I'm in the second trimester and that I'm safe as home, but  being someone who has never taken good news for granted, I'm still enjoying you with bated breath - almost like you might just slip out of hands (belly) as sneakily as you slipped into my life. Someday you will understand this Motherhood Paranoia when you have kids of your own. When I've waited and wished for you all my life, idiotically doubting my own fertility before you came, you just matter that much more to me. Anyways, corniness aside, I was egged on by your Auntie Susmitha by good intentions, and by your Po-po for selfish reasons. "What?!" your Po-po shrieked, "You don't know what sex it is yet?! That can't be!!" I told her we won't know until the big reveal at the ultrasound in October but she insisted "no, that's wrong, go get an ultrasound NOW. I need to know so I can buy her appropriate-colored clothes." So there you have it, your grandmother wants to pump you more of unnecessary radiation so that she can go shopping. Go figure. (No, kidding, she's just excited for your arrival) 

Ok now for the new Moms-to-be: congratulations and read on:! ***Baby Holland if you're a BOY, I FORBID you to read further.*** If you're a girl, you will cringe at the following but whatevs, someday you're going to want to read this twice.
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I have always been a sucker for saving money gracefully. I'm not one to hunt through discount bins - the act of it just reminds me of dumpster diving. But I do have a keen eye and touch for quality and cost. Spend money on what's worth it, and blissfully forget the extraneous stuff.

First of all your breasts will be the size of melons in no time, and I am not kidding. Nothing feels as good as good support. Today I bought my first D (YES!!!) bras and I am ready to rock and roll in them. My sister told me to buy nursing bras, and yes I admit, at first sound you can't help but think of highly unattractive saggy boobs. But boy was I surprisingly wrong, my nursing bras are so unbelievably comfortable and sexy, (did I tell you the cups release in a click of a button in standard X-rated Fredericks of Hollywood fashion! .... for nursing of course : P) I feel like Heidi Klum ready to take on Seal. Buy them at Motherhood - forget about Pea in the Pod or any other expensive store.

Buy most of your clothes at Motherhood, in fact, because their prices are the best (and seriously, I don't care how wealthy you are, no one non-celebrity is ready for the cost of a child) and they have those nice belly pants with the awesome long spandex waist. Expensive stores tend to have pants with the elastic bunched up only a inch above the hips and only serve to constrict your bladder and make you want to pee more. Leave the maternity clothes to the pros who make them for a living. Don't overlook how Mommish Motherhood's clothes are, they have some really cute stuff.

Only one thing is worth the Pea in the Pod price - their jeans. Today I bought THE SEXIEST pair of jeans I have ever owned. Tight and cupping the booty with just the right about of fade in the ass and right amount of slimming bootcut.

I have felt the sexiest today that I have felt in months.
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Temper temper....

I don't want to blame this on being pregnant, but seeing how I acted yesterday I think I would have to.

Your father called me at work yesterday just when we were about to close up shop and said the dog got to the mangoes and had eaten them all over our living room carpet. Orange mango stains everywhere. We had a 5 minute argument on the phone about whether or not we have any stain removers. He eventually did as I told him to and found the bottle at the end of the conversation (you father likes to look for stuff with his mouth and not with his eyes). It should have ended right there, but it didn't...

I proceeded to drive in seething anger and bitterness back home. In my head all I saw was red. I wasted 5 minutes trying to talk him into looking for that darn bottle. I didn't care if rush hour governed 20 miles an hour at the time, I was going 50 weaving in and out and cussing with ridiculous road rage. I could practically  feel the surge of hormones in me, bubbling out of control. When I got home, I planted it all on your dad. I screamed at the top of my lungs, I told him I was going to spend the evening in Holiday Inn (a very common empty threat of mine) and I'm going to kick that dog into a shelter. The fight lasted maybe one hour around a living room full of orange stains. I think your dad conceded because it was very obvious I was crazy.

After being calmed 25%, your dad offered to clean up the mango mess while I walked the dog. I took the biggest chef's knife I could find and while heading out the door with the dog, reconsidered this because a pissed off woman carrying a big knife could scare neighbors. So I exchanged weapons for the kitchen spatula. So there I was, walking the dog as pissed off as can be, bloody murder in my eyes, threatening the dog that she's going to go back where she came from if she didn't behave and a spatula weapon in my hand for no real reason. Then it started to rain. Oh dear, I wanted to tear down the trees and bushes with that plastic spatula. I wanted to cause front yard havoc like a Tasmanian Devil on speed. Yesterday was not a good day for poor pregnant Alice.

I eventually calmed down to normalcy, but am still haunted by the big angry hulk that I was yesterday. Scott, if you're reading this, I'm apologizing for my behavior. It was thoroughly embarassing and off-center, and it was definitely one of my low points as a human being ... but I can't promise I won't do it again.

Wow where did this come from?

I took your dad on a splurge trip to Seattle for his birthday. He absolutely loved it, and from the looks of how much you've grown, you did too. I frankly was really looking forward to this trip primarily because of the eating. And boy, we ate a lot - and Seattle is the best place for it too - Foodie's Paradise. When you're old enough and your palate is diverse enough, I'll take you there for all-out binge.

So I woke up on Tuesday morning, on my back with a big bump on my stomach. Usually my fatty belly collapses into my abdominal cavity and for the morning I would feel like a skinny supermodel ... at least until I get up then gravity takes over. But that morning, I looked like I ate a whole watermelon and it was still swimming in my gut. I think that's you! Your dad was so excited he reached over to get lotion to rub on my stomach to help with the stretch marks. Your dad loves you so much already he talks to you and says things behind my back. I hope you're feeling all of this when you're in there!

OK so besides the baby bump, there have been other changes as well. The nausea has lifted, and the apetite continues to grow. I now eat 2 lunches : ) and I bought my first batch of maternity clothes last night. I felt so bad buying a whole entire wardrobe full of clothes. You see, your mother doesn't usually spend much money often, and last night she dropped $250 (which is probably equivalent to $15,000 in your generation's money accounting for inflation). I was practically hearing Suze Orman in my head saying "DENIED!!! You have a baby on the way and a mortgage to pay, you are NOT going to spend money on anymore clothes you understand girlfriend? DENIED!!!!" (Your Mom is a dork, yes, and you will be forced to watch episodes of Suze Orman - reruns when she retires - every weekend.)

Until next time, keep growing!!!

You really are in there!

Today we went for our Week 13 visit to the midwife's and it was short and sweet visit. As a new Mom who wanted everything to be alright, I was down to be poked prodded, examined, looked under a microscope to see if all bells and whistles were working fine. Imagine my surprise when I found out, after all that gorging and snacking and cooking I've done, that I've only gained 1/2 a pound! I was scared. Are you even there? Are you too little? But all my nerves were calmed when the Doppler signaled your quick thump-thump-thump. Your dad and I listened to it for a few minutes, we were smiling and we were so happy - there's a little rabbit in there living and breathing and has a little heart working so hard to grow. 161 beats/minute!! Helen said normal is 120-160 bpm is in the normal range but a little over is just fine. It also might indicate that you might be girl!

A few nights ago I had another dream of you. I dreamt that I gave birth to you at 17 weeks. The doctor put me under so that labor would be nice and easy (like going to the dentist and having a cavity filled). When you came out you were wrapped in a pink blanket but your big (I mean BIG) head was poking out of the bundle. You looked like Leonardo Dicaprio with blue eyes, complete with hair. You yawned and looked at Dad and said, "What is your name?" Dad said "Scott." and you said "Nice to meet you, Scott." It was the most surreal dream ever.

The Hunger

The Nausea is tapering off (but still rears its ugly head after dinner) but The Hunger is now alive and well. Before you came, feeling hungry was just a passing feeling. Usually starts with an appetite, then a hollow feeling in my stomach - which is usually mentally supressed because it's still 11am and I have 4 more patients till lunch - then hunger breath sets in until I get a meal and all is right with the world. Now .... oh boy, talk about 0 to 90 is 3.5 seconds. I go from pleasant and calm to raging hungry Hulk and nothing will calm me down until I have something in my stomach. The Hunger is so bad I cannot do anything to distract myself from it - even candies and gum doesn't work to calm it down. And usually it wants something salty and chewy. I have never been a fast food junky (post college) but lately I've found myself frequenting Burger King, Del Taco (thank God I'm on the west coast now), and McD's. I know they're bad, but so far this new turn of events has been so unexpected I don't know how to go about it other than pigging out at the nearest cholesterol factory. Bringing nuts and fruit doesn't work because nothing will take the place of comforting and filling Burger King fries with ranch. By the way, I will have to stop eating those chicken nuggets you love - I was told they're toxic.

Luckily, I'm still working out. Today we did an hour of circuit training with coworkers. We were sweating bullets but we did it. Looks like we still got the legs and guns. : ) Man, I smell horrible. Is this your hormonal doing also?

Previously on Pregnancy ...

Knowing you're half Asian, you should already be good at Math. Knowing you're good at Math, you've probably figured out and calculated that I've started this blog 10 weeks into having you. So here's catch-up on all the funny and not-so-funny things:

1) I first found out I had you when we were at Auntie Susmitha's wedding in New Jersey. It happened the night before her big day and I wanted to go out drinking and partying with everyone but things were a bit off so I took a pee test. First test was a mess, I pissed over the whole damn stick. Sure enough it was positive and your dad said, with how I did it I would've made any test positive. So we did another cleaner one. Immediately, the positive sign came up and we were so surprised. It was unreal because I never thought I would be able to ever come to this point in my life. We called Meemaw and Gramma, Po-po and Auntie Julie, then we broke the news to everyone at the wedding. We tried to do it with tact, but sometimes we just can't help show our excitement. Little did I know that the next few weeks would be absolutely agonizing ....

2) The nausea set in really fast. I have tried to exercise as strong of a will-power as I can get to not hurl. (The image of starving you of your nutrition and food was enough to keep me strong) But it didn't always work.... last week your dad farted and I lost my dinner ...violently. If you're old enough to read this, you're old enough to know how bad your dad smells sometimes.

3) Work was tough. Suddenly I had the skills of a bloodhound and was able to pinpoint with precise accuracy how long a person has gone without a shower. And my churning stomach was quick to point that out. This made some of my encounters with patients absolutely unbearable.

4) We saw you on the ultrasound! You were a small jellybean with a small beating heart. Unfortunately our midwife had a machine from the 1940's and you were surrounded with what looks to be a couch, TV, coffee table next to you in my uterus. The midwife said they were pieces of placenta forming. Looking at the picture, I bed to differ. Hope you have DVR.

5) One night I had a dream that you got hold of a laser pointer. You were trying to shine it through my belly for fun until you found my vag. I looked down in betwixt my legs and was amused to find a full-blown laser show reminiscent of Jenner Lopez's music video "Waiting for Tonight" complete with planets and stars. I woke up laughing.

6) I had a scarey dream this weekend of losing you. Your dad was there and I was just waking up in my dream only to find myself lying in a pool of blood. I woke up from this dream crying and wailing. I promised myself not to b*tch anymore about feeling nauseous or at how horrible being pregnant is (sorry that promise didn't last long). Truth is, it could still very well happen. I've accepted this. Although I wish for it not to happen, I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what, and you will forever be my baby.

I should be working out ... but ....

All I can think of is sleep, and burping. It has been a horrendous 2 months of pregnancy. I really don't want to say this, but I really don't want to do this ever again. I know everyone says "oh what a beautiful experience!" but honestly those who think it is either don't have jobs (and thus few obligations to put on a smiling face while feeling like up-chucking) and have never felt morning sickness. I know I know I whine I whine. A patient enlightened me the other day: I have been miserable about pregnancy because I haven't quite grasped that I am nurturing a little human in me. I have to admit that the guy is right - I have been so focused on the biology and development of it all that I have forgotten that I am harboring a soul in me. A soul who will dream, and want to accomplish things, and feel and eat and laugh and be.

Unfortunately though, I always seem to forget this very important detail. Thus I am writing a blog, as a constant reminder that I am carrying You. That, and I just want to b*tch about how much pregnancy sucks.